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mrs. mathers

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<tr> <td align "right" colspan="2" width="100%" bgcolor="" class="comments" style="text-align: center"> 3 gots the remedy * <a href="https://s0anxi0usx.livejournal.com/9776.html?mode=reply">well if you've gots the poison</a> </td> </tr>
jus play a lil J + i'll make ya mouth DRIBBLE. [03 Dec 2003|10:36am]
[ mood | pissed off ]

i'm pretty sure i've written in here before talking about how my dad was in a coma. on november 24th, we were supposed to go see him. jessica, hunter, nevaeh + i. on november 21st, i spent the night over jessica's. julie woke us up at 11:00 am, saying "sweety, wake up baby you have to go home real fast. go, now." [we live in a coldesac together]. so here i am, thinking i was in a shit load of trouble. i walked into my house + my whole family was sitting there in a circle. i sit down, + soon after, i was told "your father passed away today". it felt like a HUGE rush of air hit me in the face, i couldn't breathe. my eyes swole up full of tears + i couldn't think straight. i ran outside + started screaming. julie told jessica what happened + as i was running outside, jessica was too, bawling. my whole family ran out behind me and circled around me, telling me it's ok.

i have ALWAYS been daddy's little girl.

his funeral was yesterday. my grandpa, my mom, hunter, jessica + i drove up to california for it. we got to the viewing at 10:00. at around 10:30, everyone was there + we went inside. i walked right into the room. maybe i shouldn't have, though, because it hit me too hard. i FLIPPED out. the song 'angel' by sarah mclauchlin was playing, which is mine + my dad's song. the viewing was what was hard for me. at about 11:00, the casket was closed + we went into the room for the church service. i was crying, bawling. my aunt janice went up + sang the song 'angel' again. i prayed the whole time she was singing. telling my dad to just tell me everything was going to be ok. i told him to give me a sign if everything was going to be ok. after a couple minutes, it sounds CRAZY, but a strong feeling of peace came over me. he told me everything was going to be alright. + that was what i really really needed.

after the church service, we had a two hour drive to the cemetery. my dad was a veteran of war, so he was going to be buried in a cemetery just for veterans. he was buried with honors, which was deserved. he had a 21 gun salute, + i was given the American flag with honors in my dad's name. we were all also given the shell-casings off the bullets they were shooting off. it was very very nice + i'm really happy with the way everything turned out. i got to meet two of my sisters that my dad never even got to see. one of them lives in las vegas, so we'll be seeing each other a lot more than never, hopefully.

we got home from california last night, to find out our house was broken into + my FUCKING CAR WAS STOLEN. i flipped the fuck out. i went across the street to see if anyone saw anything, cause my coldesac is neighborhood watch 24/7. someone is always outside + we are all friends, so i figure SOMEONE had to see SOMETHING. sure enough, my neighbor buck did. it was two bitches my grandpa knows. some crackheaded mother fuckers. i TRIPPED. i punched the shit out of my tree, my knuckles are swolen + bloody as all hell.

my grandpa just found my car outside this bitches house. i'm gonna fuckin KILL THIS BITCH.

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<tr> <td align "right" colspan="2" width="100%" bgcolor="" class="comments" style="text-align: center"> 2 gots the remedy * <a href="https://s0anxi0usx.livejournal.com/9527.html?mode=reply">well if you've gots the poison</a> </td> </tr>
tech nina got CRAZY flow. >> [24 Oct 2003|06:19pm]
[ mood | awake ]

WOW. i haven't written in this thing in a minute. I have so much to say, but not enough time. So I'll just babble.

Have any of you heard that song 'runnin' by tupac + biggie that was produced by eminem? THATS SOME BOMB. The words are so real.

i wonder if they'll laugh when i am dead. why am i fighting to live, if i'm just living to fight? why am i trying to see, when there aint nothin in sight? why am i trying to give, when no one gives me a try? why am i dying to live, if i'm just livin to die?

Here lately shit has been fucked up in my life, man. I thought it was bad before. My mom's been drinking again, my grandpa's bein his pimp self, my aunt was in the hospital the other night almost having to deliver her baby 3 months early. Man. That aint even the half of it.

Tonight I'm about to get CRUNK AS ALL HELL. Yeaaaah buddy. I'm gonna go get ready. ;)

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<tr> <td align "right" colspan="2" width="100%" bgcolor="" class="comments" style="text-align: center"> 10 gots the remedy * <a href="https://s0anxi0usx.livejournal.com/9308.html?mode=reply">well if you've gots the poison</a> </td> </tr>
[05 Oct 2003|09:51am]
[ mood | scared ]

I have really been thinking about deleting my journal lately. Everytime I post, I get no response from anyone. And if I wanted to talk to myself about things, I'd write in a personal journal for that. I dunno.

There is only one thing stopping me from deleting it, + that is the people's journal's I actually like to read. And I think every one of them are friends only;

__primadonna
_fragile
_juxtapose
arden
broken_sonnet

On to other things, I guess. I'm about to get with Josh! Man, he is so cute. (&@^@&#. And he's really nice. Who knows though, every guy I think is "really nice" lately turns out to be an egotistical, self-centered asshole player. But I'm goin into this with no strings attached, baggage never helps. ;)

I went to Zack's party last night. Ooh boy I got so fucked up. It was bomb though. Zack needs to learn that if he's gonna be mean to me, it won't help him get Hillaurie. HELLO. Hillaurie is my other half. It's funny, cause I tell Hillaurie to be nice to him + give him a chance, + not to care what people think about going out with him, yet he thinks I'm the reason she's not with him. Yeaaaa buddy.

I'M GETTING MY NOSE PIERCED TODAY. Should I be scared? It doesn't hurt that bad, does it? Will it hurt to sneeze / blow my nose? Haha. It can't hurt that bad, seeing as how hundreds of people have their nose pierced.

In the 2 weeks I've been in school, me + Hillaurie have actually gone a full day maybe once. ;\ Jessica keeps tellin me we're gonna turn out like her. She was like, "Man, when I was in school, I would always think.. what if I could be smokin a blunt right now?" + she'd leave. And I guess me + Hillaurie are goin on the same track. But nah.. my ass is gonna graduate, I'll tell you what.

My mom has been on her drinking kick again for the past week. I just gave up on helping + said fuck it. She's apparently the only person that can help herself. But today she is fine again + hopefully things will stay that way.

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<tr> <td align "right" colspan="2" width="100%" bgcolor="" class="comments" style="text-align: center"> 1 gots the remedy * <a href="https://s0anxi0usx.livejournal.com/9033.html?mode=reply">well if you've gots the poison</a> </td> </tr>
WOW WOWO WO WOWOW. [13 Sep 2003|11:14pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

I just got THE worst fucking haircut of my entire life. I look like a little fucking boy.

WHY IS LIFE SO FUCKED UP LATELY?! Why is my karma SO fucked up?!?!

IM SORRY to whoever I did anything to for things to be going this fucking shitty.



+ fuck everyone who reads this + could care less to comment.

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!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [13 Sep 2003|10:16am]
[ mood | depressed ]

I CAN'T FUCKING STAND THIS.

On the 21st of August, my grandma passed away. We went to Ohio in hopes to catch her before she passed away, + we were late by about two + a half hours. It was so depressing. I hadn't seen my cousin Amanda since we were babies, + of course she flew down there too. It's sad how we had to be re-united through something so horrible. All of the family pretty much was trying to be strong, knowing how much of a toll it would take on my mom + my Aunt Norma. The most crucial point that made me cry the worst, was when we were at viewing, I noticed flowers by her casket. No ordinary flowers. They were flowers sent from my grandpa. Nearly 40 years after she ran from him, left the children with him [my mom + aunt], + married another MAN!! .. He still had the heart to send flowers. I love him.

On the 9th of September, my Uncle Matt passed away. It was Hunter's real dad's twin brother, so he like felt it + knew it when he passed away. They were so close. Hunter + Sara drove to Arizona the day it happened + I watched Nevaeh for them. They came back to get Nevaeh + went back up there. They thought it might have been a heart attack or a stroke in his sleep, but due to the fact that there was blood coming out of him as if he burst, they kind of ruled that out + had to perform an autopsy.

On the 11th of September, my friend Joe passed away. I could not fucking believe it at first. Me, Shea + Ashley were sitting around trying to figure out who to call for weed, + i was like, "ASHLEY CALL JOE!". I didn't want his mom mad at me for calling late, but since she didn't know Ashley, she called. The first thing Joe's parents said to her were "No, sweety, he's no longer with us". When Ashley told me they said that, I about socked her in her face. I thought she was joking. + THAT is NOTHING to joke about. So I started to get pissed + told her to stop it + it wasn't funny. Then she proceeded to tell me she heard on the announcements that morning that somebody named Joe did pass away. I couldn't fucking deal with it, + I just bawled. I called his parents house + they let me know there will be a memorial service for him at his house on Monday. I also talked to Kassie + Doug, + they told me he dropped to his sister's feet + told her he loved her. They took him to the hospital where he died but was revived. He went into a coma directly after that + they pulled the plugs. HOW THE HELL?!?! WHY!! I can't imagine never being able to see my Joe-Joe again, never being able to go to the apartments + see him with everybody at the pool area. I can now, NEVER AGAIN, be in his presence. The jokes he told, The fun he brought to everyone's lives, is no longer here. I better stop talking about this...

This is a depressing ass entry + I really don't feel like writing what else is going on in my life right now. I don't even have time to think about that. I will try + update later...

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<tr> <td align "right" colspan="2" width="100%" bgcolor="" class="comments" style="text-align: center"> 2 gots the remedy * <a href="https://s0anxi0usx.livejournal.com/8548.html?mode=reply">well if you've gots the poison</a> </td> </tr>
i start my day thinking about what i've thrown away .. [02 Sep 2003|01:17pm]
[ mood | hot ]

there has been way too much shit going on in my life to be able to just explain it all. so i will go into very little detail, + if anyone has questions, then feel free to ask ;].


*` first + foremost, i have been slacking off on commenting. IM SORRY. i will try harder on that. second, people have been changing their usernames + i am late on that also. if i have you on my friends list, feel free to add me. everyone else, please take me off ;\. ALSO. my name screename is SHADY styyle. everyone feel free to IM me :)

*` two thursdays ago my family + i went down to ohio for my grandmother's funeral, my mom's mom. it was too fucking hard to deal with, it was unbelievable. my grandpa ( my mom's dad, my grandmother's ex-husband ) didn't go, but he sent flowers. + to me, that exceeds anything he could have done. after being broken hearted + abandoned by her, he still did that. + in my book, that is fucking awesome. the services were beautiful. i just have to keep telling myself she is peaceful now, + with her father + daughter. ;\. hunter, my mom + my grandpa want to move there. + to tell the truth, so do i. so that is now the plan. WOO WOO.

*` while i was in ohio, my cousin amanda ( my aunt amy's RIP daughter. we always talked through letters, the phone, + email, but just finally met ) + i went out with my cousin TJ's friend's saturday night. we got really wasted to get our mind off of things + sad to say, i hooked up with TJ's best friend of 16 years ;\. + even sadder, i could only think about one guy the entire time. + it was not the matt, the guy i hooked up w/.

*` my aunt + uncle are expecting a baby on the 19th of december. thus, we must have our house sold before then. due to expenses + what not. so, hopefully everything works out there. it's funny how there will only be one reason why i don't want to move. ;x

*` adam is talking to stephanie + erin again. which kind of frusterates me + sara, seeing as how THEY FUCKING CALLED THE POLICE ON HIM. but, seeing as how he is my best friend, i am not going to disrepect who he chooses to talk to, especially them being his family. so erin + i have talked a couple times, very little though. + mostly when i am high off my ass.

*` ever since i have been back from ohio, i have not been home all but one night. + that was the night my grandpa worked, so that we could party over here. let it be known, also, that i have a horrible head cold, + i am not helping it much. what can i say?

*` so, everyone knows adam was staying here, i think? well. he had been sleeping in my room, + we for real weren't doing anything, ( ;\ ) but my mom + grandpa started to get really annoyed. until one night, my mom woke up because of a DREAM she had, + started screaming at both of us. it got to the point where they kicked adam out + adam expressed his feelings to me blah blah. me + my mom got into it, + that was that. adam now stays at louie + sean's, + my mom + i just recently started to re-gain our relationship.

*` i really need a fucking cigarette. so i'm going to go + i will update later.

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you don't wanna LOSE it again. [04 Jul 2003|12:57pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

so i saw TJ. BUT. for like, 30 seconds. when i first got there i stopped by his house, but i had to go get kassie. i told him i'd be right back. well, turns out kassie wanted to go off-roading. so we went, + were gone for about two hours. i get back + TJ is gone. (@&#^&@#! i was so pissed. + kassie hasn't seen him since. BLAH. i've come to the conclusion that i should probably stay single for the rest of summer, + i will start looking once school starts again. being free for summer is the best, you know. ;]

wednesday night me, adam + hunter went to the movies. we say 28 days later. it was alright, not the best i've seen. there were hella hot guys there! too bad i was with two guys. adam got mad when i even mentioned how hot somebody was. he'd start to bring up some other girl, or something. cause hi i don't care.

laura-lyn is 17. her friend danielle is 16. adam is 21. laura-lyn wanted sara, who is 18 with NO license, to drive her dad's truck to the strip with all of them. sara, for one, knowing that she has no license knows that isn't smart, seeing as how two minors would be in the car + whatever. adam i guess has been getting really annoyed with her lately, + doesn't like her @ all anymore. well, when sara, hunter + adam got to my house last night, adam + hunter went across the street to get drunk + smoke + play music + stuff. me + sara stayed at my house to get ready for a while. laura-lyn kept calling my house, asking for adam. now, one of the times she said 'can i come over to jayme's house?', talking to sara. BITCH PLEASE. what kind of fucking brain does she have? she KNOWS i do not like her. okay, no. sara told her no. well, adam came by the house to get a cigarette from sara + i said 'adam, laura-lyn keeps calling asking for you, wanting to hang out, what do i tell her?' + he says, 'tell her i don't want to hang out with her'. SO I DID. i don't know, it just kinda makes me laugh. that he went through all that trouble with her to find out in the end how immature she really is, when i knew all along.

we are gonna have a HUGE ass block party for the fourth. it's kind of a tradition. seeing as how we live in a circle [coldesac? sp?], we all know each other really well + it's really cozy kinda. but it's gonna be bomb. the band is gonna be playing, + then there's gonna be a DJ across the street playing rap + stuff, so it can switch off for people's tastes. WOO WEE. i'm excited. i'm going to get so wasted. i need it, though. i really do.

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<tr> <td align "right" colspan="2" width="100%" bgcolor="" class="comments" style="text-align: center"> <a href="https://s0anxi0usx.livejournal.com/8173.html?mode=reply">well if you've gots the poison</a> </td> </tr>
come ON tell it to my FACE. [30 Jun 2003|08:44pm]
[ mood | bored ]

i am getting cabin fever. i have been home for the past two days, doing nothing, and i can't stand it. i know two days doesn't sound like a lot, seeing as how i have been out EVERY other day, but i hate it. i am so amazingly BORED.

fuckin.. i am going to see TJ tomorrow + i can't wait. i am one of the most impatient people probably ever. + i miss him. + i want to hug him. + kiss him. he is so cute <3

someone.. make me un-bored! please thanks bye.

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<tr> <td align "right" colspan="2" width="100%" bgcolor="" class="comments" style="text-align: center"> 2 gots the remedy * <a href="https://s0anxi0usx.livejournal.com/7819.html?mode=reply">well if you've gots the poison</a> </td> </tr>
fuelin up on heartaches + cheap wine [30 Jun 2003|03:34pm]
[ mood | thirsty ]

WOW! i don't even know where to start. so much has gone on. I will try to get everything in, + hopefully update WAY more so that this doesn't happen anymore. here goes fuckin nothing..

"THE APARTMENT": after stephanie + erin moved out, they moved into some apartments down in henderson. not even two weeks after living there, they moved out to live with stephanie's boyfriend of about a week. stephanie handed the apartment over to adam, sara + hunter + told them she'd pay their first two months rent. well, a little before they even got the apartment, hunter got laid off, so that made 3 job-less people living in an apartment for free for two months. well, of course that was bomb for me cause of course there'd be parties there, right?! after about two days of spending the night there [the first two nights they even had it], we met HELLA people. it got to the point where i was there all the time. and it also got to the point where erin wanted to be there all the time. unfortunately for her i guess, they don't like erin as much as they like me, [haha, for real though!] so they never really wanted her over, which caused fights all the time, blah blah. well anyway. towards the end of their first month staying there, stephanie becomes perma-bitch + decides to say 'oh, well, i don't want to pay rent anymore. you guys have to move out'. WHAT?! yeah. we tried EVERYTHING possible to get money for rent, so that they could keep it, but it just didn't work. the last couple days we were there, stephanie shut off the electricity. we went airless for two days. in vegas weather. well, the last day we were there, the police showed up at the door. SIX COPS. + i was there by myself. i told them if they didn't have a warrant, they had no need to be inside. so they basically told me that they were told the baby [nevaeh] was in harm. that's why she left to her grandparents house the MINUTE the electricity got shut off, right? mhm.

TJ: ahh, my baby! "justin-timber-tj" haha. one night we had a party over the apartment, and little mike [he's really not little, but there's 3 mikes + he is the shortest out of 'em all] brought his friend, tall mike [lol]. now, tall mike is one fine mother fucker. + jayme was one drunk mother fucker. tall mike was trying to get with me ALL night. holding my waist, kissing me, rubbing my legs, etc. now, of course it takes two to tango, but yeah. anyway, we ended up hooking up. the next day he came back over with his friend TJ. ooh wee. at first TJ was just eye candy to me, seeing as how tall mike is his BEST friend, + i wasn't gonna fuck over tall mike like that. well, it turns out tall mike started to hook up with another girl, melissa. i got mad, yet got over it. the next day, me + kassie [tj's best girl friend, one of my hella good friends] were kickin it outside while hunter, sara + my mom were packing shit up, [it was the day they moved out] + tj came by. i guess he mentioned to kassie that i'm really fine + whatever. so, i decided to run my game, lol. by the end of the night, he wanted my number. we hung out a lot afterwards + got to really know each other. well, we made plans for me to go over one friday + see him. i get there to see his ex-girlfriend, bree, there. i guess they weren't even together, [stupid me should have known, they were no where near each other the entire time] but of course i have to blow things out of preportion. i didn't talk to him at all the whole time. kassie talked to him about it + he said 'well i thought she was mad at me, so i got back with bree. i'll break up with her for jayme though'. DAMMIT ME!! (#&$(#$ + i've only seen him once since. he can't use his phone, so i have no way to call him. but i am going over there tomorrow to see him. he SO better be there. <3

FAMILY: my mom has been doing alright. drinking here + there, but pretty much keeping it low. she keeps saying how she can't stand one more vegas summer, + that she is moving to ohio. + i said to her one time 'thank god for having other family in the same state willing to be your guardian'. i am not moving. + she knows it. my aunt + uncle are expecting [WOO!] around december. im really excited for them. my aunt is 15 weeks, which means she's further than she was when she lost her other baby [r.i.p april lee <3]. hunter has YET to find a damn job, + is just lounging around his parents house all the time. i swear, nevaeh is not even gonna know WHAT a daddy is, sara is the only one of them to ever take care of her.

ADAM: yeah. after being with tj daily, + adam sitting around + watching how me + him act around each other, i guess he finally had to come out with his 'feelings for me'. don't get me wrong, adam is so fucking awesome. he is one of THE coolest, realest, funny people i have ever met, + cute at that. but i wasn't going to ruin my chances with TJ, ya know? things went on there for a little bit, until laura-lyn came back into the picture, + then he decided that it was all of a sudden cool for me + TJ to get together. funny though, how whenever i bring up TJ he has to diss on him, or whatever. jealousy is a bitch, i guess. HIS bad, though. the other night he got PISS ASS drunk, which was so fucking funny. but he tried holding me + stuff, + i said, 'adam you are not going to remember this tomorrow' + laughed. he kept saying he would. well, i haven't talked to him since, so who knows.

LAURA-LYN: skank. went out with sara. then was all up on jared, then samantha, then shasta, then joe, + now adam. even THOUGH she has a boyfriend of 9 months, whom she claims to love. riiiiight. i won't even go any further on her.

ERIN: erin fucked adam's 23 year old best friend in adam's bed one night. even worse, it was her virginity he took. and she BEGGED him! begged. now, me + jen were the only ones that erin told, + we kept it to ourselves, + were planning on it, too. well, until the day that erin + her mom called the police on them, that is! i got too mad + let it out, which i know in all actuality, i probably shouldn't have. but i did. this same incident happened with adam's ex-best friend, also. but erin denies it up + down. she says she told us it was a dream. WITH HER LYIN ASS! that's why it hurt soo bad the next day, + she was so sore. right? haha, mk ...

ANGEL'S B-DAY: i got so ass drunk. me, sara, adam, angel + hunter went to sunset park to celebrate, + i guess i had a little too much to drink. there was some guy there [we'll call him R.J] picking up trash, a.k.a doing community service. well, normally i wouldn't go for someone like that, knowing it's because they were probably sentenced to do that, ya know? well. i talk to him anyway. + he asks for my number. STUPID ME. he tells me he knows some people i do, which makes me want to give him my # even more, ya know? i go ask angel for a pen + he tells me no, saying that if he can't even get with me, he won't let this guy either, lol. so i got PISSED. well, i come back to tell him i don't have a pen + adam says 'don't get with her blah blah'. he was going to anyway, until sara whispers to me that he is 26 with an ex-wife, + is picking up trash due to the fact that he has 3 kidnapping charges. WOO WEE. too bad he was hot ;[ haha. anyway, so the whole night i kept getting phone calls + it started to make me cry. ??. i don't even know why! but i do remember, at one point, chasing after a car that was bumpin good music, + falling + forgetting how to get up. yeah, wow.

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well you'll never find it, if you're looking for it * ` }} [26 Jun 2003|10:47am]
Either today or tomorrow, I will write an entry. I just want to get a new layout + icon made + stuff.

Be waiting! haha

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i am the baddest chick, shorty if ya don't believe me then call me tonight + i'll show you magic! [30 Apr 2003|11:41am]
[ mood | bored ]

oh wow, i haven't touched this thing in what, 2 months? i've been reading my friends list + everything, + commenting on some [there are too many! lol]. i guess i can write a little bit about what's been going on..

for the past month or so, i have been staying with hillaurie while steph + erin were living here. i SO was not getting along with them, i had to get out. they finally moved out the 18th into an apartment they can not afford. now adam has moved in with them also. my mom 'missed me oh so much' so she made me agree that once steph + erin moved out, i would come back.

now TWO DAYS after they moved out, my mom started drinking again, which was putting me though hell. i can't stand that shit of hers anymore. the night she started drinking.. me, hillaurie + daniel went to hillaurie's to kick it. me + daniel were up all night, NOT having sex. he can't get it all the time, mk. ;)

so two days after i found out my mom was drinking, i had a flight to catch to go visit kim in california. after she dropped me off at the airport, she was going to DRIVE in to california to get my grandma + bring her back to vegas. she drove drunk the entire way to the airport. i was happy to fucking be leaving! i was supposed to be there a week, from tuesday to tuesday, but i couldn't handle it there. it SUCKED. me + kim are totally different now. my flight got changed to saturday + i came home, which is where i am now.

my grandma is living here with us now, because she can't live on her own anymore. my grandma is staying in my room, forcing me to stay in the guest bedroom with an uncomfortable ass bed. so i have no bedroom here anymore, yet my mom will 'go crazy' if i go back to hillaurie's. dammit! + i love hillaurie's, too.

HUNTER + SARA GOT THEIR OWN APARTMENT! i'm SO fucking excited. their apartments are right next door. i could hop the wall + be in their complex. + they are so nice too! they'll be paying me to babysit nevaeh while they are both @ work during the days until i go back to school. so i have 4 months of babysitting for them, 8 hours a day, lol. it'll be fine, though.

+ speaking of, i will be going back to school this year. i'm hella excited. i miss everyone that i don't see so much. i hate this homeschooling shit. i only get to see my friends on the weekends. which sucks. so yeah i can't wait ;)

i can't think of everything that has been going on, i am having a brain freeze hella bad. but i am going to go tanning for a little bit + i will probably write more later

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// * this is a game + pimpin aint easy [24 Mar 2003|10:47am]
[ mood | relaxed ]

Hey! I haven't been able to get to websites in a while, so thanks to Toni for updating for me a little bit. I guess I will update on what's been going on, I'll just sum things up:

Daniel: So Friday, March 21st was Daniel's birthday. Him and Sigis came over to kick it with me + Erin. We got so faded, but it eventually wore off. At about 2:30 A.M, Erin went to bed and Me, Sigis + Daniel were still in my room. Basically to sum up the night, I had sex with Daniel. We didn't have protection ;\. I know you all don't want me to go into detail so I will just say that. And it was nice. Everyone that knows is like "we knew it would happen one day". I asked him "what now, Daniel?". We are talking about trying to make a relationship work, a serious one. Hopefully it will. But if not, I can move on,

Family: Erin + Stephanie are staying w/ us + it's actually been fun. Steph, despite her being my aunt and about 20 years older than me, she's a great FRIEND too. She's SO easy to talk to about anything. Erin too, we have a lot in common. They might be out of here by April, but I'm seein that as a no. Hunter + Sara got mad at me + Erin the other night for NOT wanting to watch Nevaeh. ONE time we say no + they trip! But they apologized + everything is cool now.

Mountasia: I have been going to Mountasia a lot lately. This guy that works there, Todd, wanted to get w/ me + asked for my #. He wasn't really my type. Daniel wants to beat his ass so bad, lol. But he kept giving me free stuff. My friend Martin works there too, so I don't ever have to pay for anything when I go there!

Friends: Hillaurie + I got in an argument the other day, about how she's stressing her mom out so bad she is killing her. We're cool now. Ashley T + I got really really close. She wants to get with Sigis, but he is an asshole + doesn't think she is "pretty enough". They are like "how come you don't hook Sigis up with one of your fine friends". Um! Sigis isn't all that great-looking, ya know? He shouldn't have such high standards. Me + Marianna kicked it the other night. I haven't seen her in so long. She told me she was pregnant ;\.

Online: I couldn't gt to websites for a long time. It's okay though. Rori + Krissy are no longer my friends. I will not go into why, because I'm not going to make this into a big thing. But yeah.

I can't think of anything else to write off the top of my head. So maybe next time I write, I will let you all know. Bye!

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ASSHOLES!! [23 Feb 2003|10:44am]
[ mood | fucking so pissed ]

daniel called me back at about 1:00 am last night. he goes 'man someone just egged my house! i'm so pissed. they egged alicia's house too'. so i'm like, 'oh i'm sorry, that sucks. who could it be?' + he replied with an 'i don't know. if i did i would beat their ass'.

now, at about 8:30 this morning, i wake up because nevaeh woke me up. my grandpa comes walking in saying, 'pam! someone egged your car to no end'. i go outside + not only is my mom's car egged, but so is my whole driveway, my grass, my trees, etc.

kinda fucking strange, huh?! i have my ways + believe me, i will find out who it was.

-edit- by the way, sorry for the short little confusing updates. maybe later today or tomorrow i will give a full-length update on evertyhing. ;] -edit-

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fuck everyone. [22 Feb 2003|09:44pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

i am so fucking pissed right now. i have had THE worst weekend in forever. daniel, sigis + eric are fucking assholes. it's amazing how i can be there for every single fucking one of them whenever they need me, whether it be the stupidest shit or serious, but they don't give a fuck about me.

i just love when people fucking tell lies to others + they believe it. + then when the person who was told lies to, talks shit continuously.

i also fucking love how when someone knows there is something wrong with you, they shrug it off their shoulders like it is nothing. fuck you.

FUCKING LOVELY.

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makes me that much STRONGER. <3 [18 Feb 2003|09:27pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

i hate feeling how i do right now. most people would love the feeling. but no, not me.

so since daniel + i have been talking, i love it. i love to be on the phone with him. i love BEING with him period. he's so sweet to me. he kept asking about curt + telling me that he could beat him up, lol. he's like 'if he ever hurts you, i'll kill him'. i'm like DUDE. we're not even together. he's like, 'so if he wasn't in arizona right now you guys would be together? no you wouldn't, because i'd kick his ass'. *@&#*@^#

he broke up with amber. siggis told me that it was 'messy'. lol i guess he was really mean to her. but she deserved it if you ask me ;\. she played on him because he hung out with me + siggis this weekend + not her. SELFISH BITCH. he is ALWAYS with her, 24/7. two days out of her life she should be able to let him be with his FRIENDS. whatever though.

i won't ever go back out with him though, because of what he put me through. who knows, we'll see in the end.


// * , ` ' and in this moment i am happy . . . }} *

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[18 Feb 2003|12:46pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

ONE THING I WANT TO SAY BEFORE ANYONE FURTHER READS THIS: i've been noticing lately that people hate when people don't update daily + then make long posts. if you don't like that, then please comment + let me know you're taking me off my list or whatever. thanks ;) <3

adam's home from jail. i called their house one day + he answered. i was like 'adam's back? is everything ok?' + everyone was happy so i was like whatever. that house is fucking insane, let me tell you.

valentine's day was definately not what i had expected. if i knew how it was going to turn out, i would have went with eric! oh well. so me, hillaurie, erin + ashley p. all went to chap for the basketball game. it was boring + we lost, lol. so hillaurie + ashley wanted to stay + watch the varsity game, but me + erin wanted to go to get some food. so we headed over to jack-in-the-box + ate. i called hillaurie on her cell + told her if they didn't get there soon, we'd leave. so she's like 'we don't have a ride'. FUCKING LAZY ASSES! the school is literally 5 minutes away from jack-in-the-box. so danny gave them a ride. they ate, + we ended up being there till about 9:00. me + erin went outside for a little bit + this guy eric d. [not the eric that asked me to go with him on v-day] drove up to us asking if we wanted to go to a party. so we're like, 'cool, we'll be there'. we go inside and ask hillaurie + ashley if they wanna go, + they're like 'no we're straight'. so we decided to leave them there + go. we ended up getting there + noticing it wasn't a real party, it was like a tailgate party with only guys. so we just kept walking, faking like we didn't notice them. we ended up going up this street that i thought eric b. lived on, so i called him + asked + he goes 'uhh, yeah, come up here'. we ended up walking ALL the way to the damn strip! which is at LEAST a two hour walk. after about an hour, we figured out the bus route home + got there. we decided to drink away our sorrows, lol. i called up siggis + told him what went on. he thought we should play a prank on hillaurie + ashley for not giving a fuck what happened to us. he told them we had gotten taken to juvy, haha. so the next morning they called me up and realized it was all a joke. hillaurie just laughed it off but no, ashley didn't. ashley had to get all pissy + start trippin. she told me to apologize + i said no. i honestly don't feel like i need to apologize for playing a JOKE. maybe i am wrong, but i don't think so. so me + her basically aren't friends right now.

saturday night i was all sad because of my fight with ashley. so i called up hunter + asked what he was doing, + he asked if i wanted to go to the movies with him + adam. so i was like, sure, ya know? they ended up gettin here around 9:00 + we were going to the 9:20 showing of 'daredevil'. all i am going to say about it is that it was AWESOME. anyone who has doubts about seeing it, just go. it's great.

siggis called me from daniel's house on sunday + was talking to me regularly. now, normally daniel would be like 'fuck no you can't call her from my house', but this time he was even kinda talking to me through him. so i thought that was weird. then, siggis was like 'hey, we need hot girls to watch us during this basketball game we're playing tonight, it makes us do better. can you come to the park + bring some people?'. so i thought, ok. i called up hillaurie + ashley t + they said that should be fine. i got ready about 5:45 + me + shea went to get them from ashley's house [which is all the way in bumfuck, egypt]. we didn't end up getting to the park until 6:45. i showed up, knowing that i was probably going to get talked shit on by daniel. we watched them play for a little bit until they went to sit out. we went over to talk to them. i only talked to siggis, of course. daniel kept laughing at my jokes + saying how funny i was. after like 2 hours of them playing another game, daniel walked over to me + was like 'you're cold huh? want me to warm you up?' cause i was shivering + what not. me him talked about our entire fight + how he misses me + shit. so we go down towards the swings + he's like 'damn, you've changed. i dunno, you just got prettier'. we all kicked it there for a while. i made siggis push me basically the whole time, haha. somehow we were in conversaton + he goes 'you know you love me'. + i go 'no, no i don't..'. + he kinda got a blank stare on his face. he pulled ,me away + was like 'so do you want to try to make this work again? do you want to be friends or what? please?' + so, that's where we are now. FRIENDS. nothing more. the night ended at about 2:00 a.m when my mom came to get us all. on the way to the car, daniel goes 'so can i call you?' + i said sure, whatever. he still hasn't called me yet, so i dunno. we'll see.

there's a lot more that went on / has gone on, but it looks like i've wrote enough ;\. haha. so later on i will make a short post with little things. <3

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` , ' ^ baby would you walk with me home? [13 Feb 2003|11:56am]
[ mood | anxious ]

this isn't an actual update, just a survey. i'll probably update again after this weekend, so i have more stuff to talk about + what not.

cause i don't wanna be just another girlCollapse )

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tell me whatcha wanna hear, dayum. * -- . . [10 Feb 2003|08:31pm]
[ mood | peaceful ]

time: 8:32 p.m
day: monday. woo rw/rr battle of the sexes! haha
wearing: black a+f tank top, light denim calvin klein skirt + black flip flops.
make-up: black eyeliner, black mascara, beige + brown eyeshadow, lipgloss
listening: 'angel of mine' - monica
watching: 7th heaven
eating / drinking: nothing / water
talking to: justin, toni + eric [online] // siggis [on the phone]
later: calling eric to let him know whether or not i want to go with him on valentine's day + watching t.v. boring monday!


Things I Love:
*, ` songs that relate to me
*, ` boone's farm
*, ` tanning
*, ` shopping when i have a lot of money ;\ lol
*, ` kids
*, ` giving advice
*, ` getting phone calls at 1:00 am 'just because they wanted to hear my voice'.
*, ` going out without knowing what we're gonna do
*, ` marshall freakin mathers
*, ` people that actually keep secrets
*, ` planning for parties / holidays
*, ` laughing
*, ` working out + then coming home + taking a nice, long bath
*, ` talking to people i barely talk to
*, ` memories

Things I Hate:
*, ` how people don't want to leave michael jackson the hell alone about his own personal life
*, ` racism
*, ` making fun of people whether they are there to hear it or not
*, ` drama
*, ` people who don't like to give anything a chance
*, ` people who don't take risks ever
*, ` backstabbing friends
*, ` the whole 'bill clinton scandal'. GET OVER IT PEOPLE
*, ` people who talk shit, knowing they're gonna get a beat down
*, ` songs that sing basically the chorus the whole time, with no actual other words
*, ` guys that spread rumors that you did shit with them, when in actuality you could only stand to kiss them

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// * go shawty, it's ya birthday . . . ` [10 Feb 2003|12:15pm]
[ mood | giddy ]

Wednesday night, Adam beat Sara + Erin. Over a CIGARETTE. He was tweakin real bad, and got pissed because Erin wouldn't give him a cigarette, so he basically beat their asses. Sara called the police + the police came. By then, Adam had left the house, + they didn't know where he was. They realized that the car was still there so he obviously didn't take it. They went inside with the police for a minute, + when they came back out, the car was gone. The police told them they'd do the best they could to find him. Minutes later, they found him at a bar. They hauled him off to jail. Sara + Erin had bruises all over them. They called Hunter + he went over there so fast. Stephanie was on a date that night, so she couldn't even do anything about it. Adam called from jail + said "I'm not sorry, you guys pissed me off". So when he gets out of jail, there's going to be a trial + what not. He also has like 5 warrants out for him as it is, which sucks for him.


Then Thursday, Sara, Erin + Hunter came over to pick up Nevaeh, since she spent the night at my house the night before. Sara + Erin wanted to go to the library, + the library is directly across the street, so we took Nevaeh and went. We were there for about 15 minutes before we went back to my house. They were getting ready to leave, + Sara asked if I wanted to go over there with them. So i thought that would be cool. We ended up going to the jacuzzi for a little bit + then to the workout room. Hunter said he was ready to go. I either had the option to stay the night at their house that night, or to stay the night at Hunter's house with all of them on Friday night. So I picked Friday. We left + called it a night.

I headed over to Sara's house at 4:00 on Friday, because Hunter was going to pick us all up there. I got there, and not even 10 minutes later was Hunter there. We left probably around 5:00. On the way to Hunter's, we got Arby's, seeing as how we were all STARVING. Hunter dropped us off at his house + went to the studio + told us he'd be back before 11:00. We ended up watching Silence Of The Lambs while he was gone. I was the only one who had seen it before, so they were trippin. Hunter got back at about 10:45, drunk off his ASS. Sara was pissed, because our plans that night were to get fucked up, ya know? We all got over the fact that he was drunk, + just decided to get him more drunk. We all had like 2 bottles of Boone's Farm (we had no money, lol). And I swear, that shit fucks you up so fast. We went outside to have a cigarette, and we all fell on the way, piling on top of each other. I still had some of my drink left, so everyone was like, "Down it!". So I was trying, right, until Erin said, "Don't even try that, it will make you pee, girlfriend". I spit out what I was trying to drink. I dunno why, but being drunk off my ass at 12:00 A.M makes the word 'girlfriend' so much funnier than it is. I finished my drink, and we went inside to play cards. I guess I put on Hunter's shoes, thinking they were mind, + I was like "I'll be right back! I have to go pick up Sara!". She was just in the living room though. Haha, it was great. When we were ready to go to bed, I swear I was rolling down a hill. A green hill. And all of a sudden, Erin's like "Omg, what's that?" And it looked like two people standing in front of the window. And I was like "Dude, that's Hannibal Lector + Buffalo Bill". She was trippin so bad. I was like, "Dr. Hector (notice I didn't say Lector, lol), please don't eat clothes out of us" ..whatever that was supposed to mean. Haha.

I woke up at about 7:00 A.M. to Nevaeh crying and the dog barking on the back porch. Erin woke up right after me, and we went outside to have a cigarette. Norma + Mike don't know we smoke, so we had to find like a butt + smoke it from where they couldn't see us, lol. Anyway. We didn't end up leaving the house until about 2:00. Hunter dropped us off at my house to get ready to take pictures. He went to the studio and was supposed to be back at 8:00. Since we had so much time to get ready, we walked down to Sonic + got something to eat. When we came back, it was like 4:00. We all started to get ready, + then Stephanie called. She told Sara that they had to be home within 30 minutes, because she planned on taking them out that night. So there I was, with nothing to do. Ashley called me up + I asked if she wanted to come over. Her mom had surgery this past Saturday, + hasn't been doing too good, so I wanted to kick it with Ashley + cheer her up. We ended up going to the movies with Shealeigh, Hillaurie, Ashley T., Eric + Justin. We saw Final Destination 2. It was so good! I've never even seen Final Destination 1 (shut up), but everyone said the 2nd one was better anyway. At the movies, we ran into Brielle + Tanya. I told them hi + that I missed them + stuff. They said to call them + that we'd hang out sometime. So that's cool. Me + Ashley ended up getting home at about midnight. We were dead ass tired + fell asleep.

The next day, Sunday, was like our fitness day. We went down to the park + played tennis for a couple hours. Then we jogged for a couple hours after that, and came back to my house. It was fun times.

Erin's getting homeschooled. That should be fun. Now I don't have to be at my house during the day, or even if I am, she'll be over here. We're planning on calling up this lady who wants us to babysit during the week for some extra money. So who knows.

Today is boredx0x's birthday. EVERYONE wish her a happy 19th! Tone, since we have been friends for the past, what? Two years? It has been great. Even with the little bumps in the road (which were only like 2, and both caused by Brittany), it has been awesome knowing you. Half of the times I'm annoyed as fuck, I know I can call you up + dump all of my problems on you, and you will be like, "Well, they are all morons, tell them to shove it", + it will cheer me up so fast. From our 10 minute pointless phone calls to our 5 hour deep conversation phone calls, it has been fun times. I love you :). Best friends forever, Bonay. <3

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_ - - ` we were only fifteen * [04 Feb 2003|12:03pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

I guess I was wrong on the time limit of selling our house. I dunno, I was talking to my uncle + he told me he didn't even know if they'd be selling theirs till about November, due to having to fix it up + what not. But that's ok I guess, we will just move before them.

On Friday, me, Hunter, Sara, Erin + Nevaeh all drove up to Arizona. Hunter's family lives there, so we were going to basically visit them. It was so great. So, we ended up leaving at about 6:00 + didn't get there until about 8:30. We first went to Sean's house, and said hi to them and everything. Jesse was there, so that was cool. We got directions to Hunter's grandma's house [sad how Hunter doesn't even know, huh?] + headed over there. His aunt Diane, Grandma, and dad were all there. Hunter called his cousin Josh, and Josh was all "Come down here!". But of course, we couldn't bring Nevaeh, but we couldn't just put her off on them. So Hunter + Sara left, telling us they were 'just going to go get a bottle'. Well, a matter of an hour later, we finally got nevaeh to sleep, yet they still weren't back. So I called up Hunter's cell + said "Where the hell are you?" + he replied, "Oh, uh, we're on our way back there right now". So me + Erin sit outside, waiting for them. A couple minutes later they get there. We got in the car + they drove us to Josh's. Ok, everytime I have ever gotten high, it has been with a pipe. But they pulled out a bong. So I'm like, okay, I'll do it. Right after I hit it, I was like, "This shit sucks, it doesn't even work". And in a matter of like 2 minutes, I was like.. wow. I swear, I was seeing everything double, it was crazy. At about 2:00 A.M, we went back to his grandma's and went to bed.

We woke up at about 10:30, cause we knew we had to get outta there and get a hotel. We were driving around for a while, until we came to the hotel we were gonna stay at. We got in our room, unpacked our stuff, and just sat there for a while. We were all debating on whether or not to go get food first, or to shower first. We decided to go get food. BUT! They were all watching some movie on T.V., and I was like "Ok, fine, I'll take a shower first". As SOON as I said that + got into the bathroom, they're all like "Ok, we're ready! Let's go!". I was pissed. I was just like "Whatever, go without me, I'm not hungry". And anyone who knows me, knows I barely ever eat as it is. So they left and ate. I got ready and everything, and they came back to get ready. By the time we got outta there, it was about 1:30. We headed over to Curt's house, because he was 'bored' and wanted to come with us. Then we went to the London Bridge. We went into a couple of the stores, until we came to this store called "The Candle Shop".. or something. Nevaeh laid her eyes on this bunny rabbit, picked it up, and giggled. Until we were already out of the store, we didn't even realize she still had the bunny rabbit with her. We didn't have the heart to take it away from her, lol. We all of a sudden got in the mood to go swimming. So we went back to our hotel + went swimming for about two hours, until it got dark. We went back into the room + decided we were gonna go out again. This time, we REALLY had no one to watch Nevaeh. So me, being the responsible one, decided to stay back + watch her. They came back and got me a little later, and brought Nevaeh with us so that Hunter's aunt DeDe could watch her. It was great.

Sunday was the day we had to leave. Right when we were taking all of our stuff out to the car, Hunter's dad come by and wanted us to go to his aunt's to go swimming. But we needed to do a couple things first. First we went to Wal-Mart, cause we wanted to pick Nevaeh up some baby sunglasses. And by then, we were incredibly starving. We went to Burger King and had lunch. After we were all full, we went to his aunt's and went swimming for a couple hours, but me and Erin just tanned. Nevaeh was sleeping on my stomach, with damp towels covering her, so she didn't get hot or sunburnt. So I didn't get much tanning done, but it's okay, Nevaeh is worth it. :) It was about 3:30 when we finally were outta there, on our way to Vegas. It was a great trip.

I had a dentist appointment Monday. I was SO SO scared. Toni boredx0x kept telling me that her gynocologist appointment was going to be worse, which by the way, turned out to be WRONG. Anyway. So I go in, scared as shit. They numbed my mouth, but not well enough because hi, as soon as they started drilling, my mouth hurt like a BITCH. So they had to numb me more. They gave me three fillings + told me.. "You will be in intense pain for about a month". "Thanks, guys!" is what I was thinking. I got home, thinking I was going to be fine, and all of a sudden.. the pain hit me. I was freaking out, bawling, screaming, and going insane. It hurt so bad. I took these pain pills they gave me, and they didn't work until an hour later. And when they finally did, I was so grateful, lol.

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